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Posts : 8050
Join date : 2012-05-29
Location : Manchester UK
 |  Subject: the bathing suit for the mature figure  Tue 21 May 2013, 15:07 | |
| When I was a child in the 1950s, the
bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so
much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did
a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are
designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato
chip.
The mature woman has a
choice, she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a
floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped
from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill
department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a
designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.
What choice did I have? I
wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors
known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary
tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes
was developed, I believe,
by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot,
which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into
one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at
your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.
I fought my way into the
bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror,
my boobs had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one
boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last
I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.
The problem is that modern
bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is now meant to wear her
boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and
lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.
The bathing suit fit all
right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay
inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I
looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.
As I tried to work out
where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped
her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the
bathing suit.
I replied that I wasn't so
sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one
that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that
gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.
I struggled into a pair of
leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's
Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.
I tried on a black number
with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.
I tried on a bright pink
pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to
wear them.
Finally, I found a suit
that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose
blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought
it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.
When I got it home, I found
a label that read, "Material might become transparent in
water."
So, if you happen to be on
the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be
the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!
You'd better be laughing or
rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn't about how to survive the storm,
but how to dance in the rain, with or without a stylish bathing suit!
"""You can't change the
past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the
future"""
Today someone asked me if I liked you. I laughed, and I said,"Ha! That's
funny!! I LOVE that chick!! She's funny, caring, crazy as heck,
sweet, beautiful, she's reading this email
& I
love her!!" Send this to five ladies you
love!!
Be the kind of woman that when
your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says ~~ "Oh Crap, She's
up!"   | |
|
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